My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
