Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
