i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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