I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
