There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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