Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
