i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't deserve a penis
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
