do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
