true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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