K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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