In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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