Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
