I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
