I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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