Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
