I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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