Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
