Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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