Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
