when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
