You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
