she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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