I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
