Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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