Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
