Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
