Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
