Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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