then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
