guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
