you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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