Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
