Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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