I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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