Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
