yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
