We're facebook friends in real life
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Boobs are out for the taking
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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