Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
FUCK WHALES
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
