Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
