Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
