I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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