i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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