Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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