Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
