I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
