I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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