I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
