I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
