Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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