new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
