mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
