drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
