Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
