I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
