Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
