I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
