So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
