Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
