Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize