On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i out mim tonsoeep
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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