guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
