Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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